Stress, Change, and Uncertainty Does Affect Kids: Signs My Child is Feeling Anxious
“Children have active imaginations, especially when it comes to disasters.”
When it comes to childhood mental health, changes big or small can cause a number of responses in children, depending on factors including age, temperament, biological differences and family system.
Over the past years, we experienced the Covid-19 Pandemic, and many of us began to see some completely new behaviors appearing as as children suddenly had to stay home from school, lost daily socialization, and dealt with being home with the family every.single.day.
Or, you might notice a re-emergence of some (perhaps dreaded) copings skills, emotions, or nervous habits that signal your child is going through something difficult.
It may also appear that your child is fine, that the pandemic and lifestyle changes don’t really affect them. What a relief! In healthy, resilient children I have tended to see a mix.
Resilience does not mean lack of stress. It just means the ability to bounce back from it. So, your child might be exhibiting some of the anxiety signals I will list below, but that does not mean they are headed straight for an anxiety disorder that will haunt them for life. It can be a natural response to a stressful situation. And if you respond in a way that supports their needs, identifies that they are anxious and provide relational support, you are opening an opportunity to build resilience.
So, parents and caregivers, what are the warning signs that it is time to step up and lean in to support?
Let’s take a look at some signs of anxiety in children:
Restlessness
Irritability
Difficulty Concentrating, especially on a preferred task
Hyper-focused on one particular task (unless your child already has an individual developmental difference that predisposes them to do this naturally!)
Changes in Sleep Patterns: difficulty falling asleep, staying asleep, or night time awakenings
Increased concerns about getting dirty, damage to their toys,
Refusal to do something benign, like take a bath, for fear of getting hurt
Fear of or resistance to leaving the house
Complaints of stomach-aches or headaches.
Who is at-risk for higher anxiety (or other mood changes or trauma symptoms)?
If your child has:
A parent with an anxiety diagnosis or history of anxious mood
History of relationship trauma (Loss of attachment figure due to removal to foster care, death or neglect, sudden loss of a loved one, family conflict, parental divorce)
Substance Abuse in the family
Medical Trauma (chronic illness, recurrent ER visits or routine in-patient care, history of being in NICU)
Highly Stressed Family System due to finances, relationship problems, being part of a repressed minority group.
Please note that these risk factors are seens as general rules, but there are plenty of exceptions! Children (and just humans in general) are incredibly complex and resilient, and can come out of situations such as these with mental wellness and resilience! I created this post simply to provide more information on what anxiety can look like in most children, and general risk factors to help empower parents to identify when their children need their support.
If’s, Shoulds, Magical Thinking, and Other Anxious Thoughts
Anxiety is contagious, and so is calm. Take a few minutes to think through your own thought patterns. Do you often assume the worst? When you and your child are walking through a parking lot, do your thoughts jump quickly to horrible scenes involving a car hitting your child? Do your thoughts often “rabbit trail” into worst case scenarios?
The Anxious What-If’s: “Anxious What Ifs are repetitive, strained, stressful, and don’t lead to creative ideas or useful solutions.”If you just offer reassurance here, it will trigger a new what if: “What if everyone laughs at me?” “But what if no one likes me?” These types of thoughts tend to stick and repeat in loops or patterns.
Shoulds/Should Nots: These start out as commands from parents (I should do this, I should not do that. “I should never be angry” “I should get good grades”, and Anxious thoughts.
Magical Thinking: “If I am good, nothing bad will happen.” “ It’s my fault that my parents divorced” They are the child trying to control the future or change the past.
How Can I respond to my child’s worries, and what do I do if I think they have Anxiety?
Connect: You might be surprised at what is actually worrying your child! The responses to my asking “what worries are you having” following COVID-19 quarantine in Oregon have been varied. From “I’m afraid I have the virus and I’m spreading it to everyone” to “What if there is more than one virus like this?” “What if I never see my friends again” or “I’m afraid my grandmother will get sick”
Resonate Without Fixing: There can be a logical answer to each of the fears I listed above. But, simply saying “Oh, you don’t have the virus! If you did, we’d know!” may not be validating your child’s FEELING and experience. Anxious Worries are not LOGICAL! So, logic alone only serves to confuse the child as to why they are worried! Start with “It’s so scary for you! You’re worried your spreading the virus, and that if you had it you wouldn’t even know!” Then see where the conversation goes. They may already know that they don’t actually have it. Or maybe they will ask you. Allow the conversation to naturally move into a problem-solving state if the child asks you what to do. The feeling of “being felt” after sharing a worry is a powerful healing tool!
Name it to Tame it (Siegel and Bryson): “It sounds like you have been really worried about this” When worries that probably won’t come true still stick with us and won’t go away, even when we try, it’s called “anxiety.” It’s your brain’s alarm system. You brain can tell something is not right with our world right now, but it might be over-excited, like a smoke alarm that goes off when you open the bathroom door and steam comes out. You can tell your brain “It’s not a real fire! It’s just steam!”
Give Physical Comfort: The relationship is the most powerful healing tool. And so much of relationship happens in nonverbal signals and physical touch or closeness. Cuddle up, give a back rub, sing, or dance together. This will signal safety to the nervous system and create a memory of safety for your child to come back to next time!
If Anxiety Seems “stuck” or a repeating pattern of anxious thoughts, worries, or hyper-focus, your child might be experiencing ongoing anxiety rather than worries due to a present-day stressor.
Parents can use the first steps to communicate relational safety and normalize and put words to a child’s fears. But if these fears are recurrent and consistently focused on something that is not likely to happen, or if your child’s sleep, feeding, and communication is impacted throughout the day, I recommend reaching out to a child therapist for help.
Thank you for taking the time to read, and please feel free to message me or comment with questions related to this topic.