4 Child-Therapist Strategies to Build Your Child’s Problem-Solving Skills.
When I work as a therapist with your 1st-6th grade child, I’m blending play therapy with brain science, developmentally appropriate education about relationships, families and mental health, plus resilience-building and problem-solving skills.
Child-Centered (Child Directed) Play Therapy
When your child enters my playroom, they are entering a sacred space--a place that is quite different from the rest of the world, but that offers a contained, safe environment where they can connect with a safe adult, solve problems through the type of play that is meaningful, and above all be themself. Today, there are so many demands and rules placed upon children, both in school, at home, and in after-school activities. Children are constantly navigating the expectations of grownups and are often desperately trying to connect, feel successful, loved and accepted by their peers and caregivers. This is stressful for any child, but it can be almost too much for one who is neurodivergent (differently wired, experiencing ADHD, Autism Spectrum, Sensory Differences), who has had to deal with medical trauma, grief and loss, a separation or divorce, or is pulled between co-parenting challenges.
Play, movement, and expressive art is the natural language of children and I use Child-Centered Play Therapy with a Neuro-Relational emphasis to meet your child where they are at a facilitate their goals through play. Children use the space and the relationship with me to play out exactly what they need to work through that day. You can learn more about what that looks like here!
2. Problem-Solving Time and Play Therapy
This is a more structured time where we verbally talk through challenges your child has been facing. I use developmentally appropriate language as well as visuals like pictures of the brain, books on divorce, or depression, anger, or how to socialize with peers. Even with these the relationship is still the most powerful tool here, and if I have a trusting relationship established with your child, they will be more bought in to talk through these challenges with me! As a therapist I follow the lead and story of your child, tracking the important parts and reflecting them back.
I do not offer advice. This is because the process of problem-solving and trying out new solutions together is just as important as the solution itself. If your child can try out solutions, experiencing failing or re-trying, and come to one that they are proud of, they have gained skills for flexibility, resilience, and self-confidence IN ADDITION TO a concrete solution for how to deal with a bully at school, or how to calm down when they are feeling upset or angry!
3. Break a Challenge into Small Pieces and Work Through it Together
This Models Planning Ahead, Communicating Your Needs, and Organization Skills
This can happen naturally if your child has trouble in this area. For example, they may choose a task that is too hard for them and get quickly frustrated that it doesn’t work out. This happens pretty frequently with buidling with legos. A child who also has trouble finishing homework, completing chores, or often is too overwhelmed when faced with a new job like emptying the dishwasher, could benefit from practicing through play (and perhaps lego building will be the activity of choice!). First, we take a deep breath together, using my nervous system as a co-regulator. We might say. I think I can do this, I have a strategy. Then we could break the task down. If my goal is to build the tallest tower in the world, then I need to think. What materials do I need? What part will I build first?
As the two of us work through these steps, we are not just learning to build a tall tower. We are creating neural connections that we hope will fire next time your child faces a challenge! The hope is that through meaningful play, we create an experience of SUCCESS through breaking the task down together, and this will be logged away in your child’s memory next time they face a challenge. I will say, that repetition of meaningful experiences is what creates the strongest connection in the brain, so this is not a quick fix or change. Especially if your child has a lot of experiences of difficulty confronting challenges like riding a bike, making new friends, completing homework on time, “measuring up” to teacher’s expectations, or being stereotyped as the “hyperactive” or “bad” kid. But research shows it creates the most lasting change, and the intentional work of therapy can help!
4. Setting Limits: Helps Children Grow and Feel Secure
Therapeutic limit-setting is intended to help keep your child and myself safe and secure, and also to provide a space for your child to test limits in ways that are helpful for growth and development. When I introduce your child to the playroom, I do not go through a long list of “don’t’s.” I believe that a “limit is not necessary until it is necessary” (Landreth, 2012). What that means is, if the focus of the space becomes on what is NOT allowed, the child may feel like the rules matter more than they do, or them may become focused on the limit rather than what is available in the room. Limits are set as they are needed, and they are around the safety of the people in the room, and around keeping the toys safe. If a child seems to need to hit something, I offer an alternative so that they can safely get that energy out. Behavior is communication and my job as a therapist is to identify what the child is trying to communicate through a limit-pushing behavior, and then to find compassionate and new ways to communicate the need. Limits in the playroom gives us valuable work negotiating impulses, needs to express big feelings, and the desire to show these feelings but still maintain a safe relationship. For children with anxiety, sensory-processing differences, or a history of relational or medical trauma, limits can feel safe! If you don’t know the boundaries and you already feel fearful and chaotic in your body, you may become even more dysregulated, anxious or fearful! And sometimes this results in acting out, hitting, chaotic play, dumping out or smashing items in a desperate attempt to figure out what the boundary is. These children need to feel safe and held, and that there is a bigger, wiser grownup there to lovingly maintain consistent limits.