Whether or not it feels reasonable, Behavior is *always* about Safety
Do you ever wonder why your child acts the way they do? Based in research from neuroscience and from polyvagal theory, as a therapist I always look at the nervous system's PERCEPTION of safety. If a person perceives that something in the environment isn't safe, or if the body experiences a sensation that is interpreted as a threat, the body may go into a fight/flight/freeze state. This makes sense when we think about our kid experiencing something like falling off their bike or not getting what they want, but sometimes we see our kids in intense meltdowns or shutdowns for no apparent reason. If we look at the behavior from the same lens, however, we will find important clues for how their body is interpreting the world in that moment and therefore ideas for helping our child shift back into a state of calm and focus.
For example, if your child is running, jumping climbing, and can’t seem to get calm, they may be in a hyperalert processing state. For some reason, their body has moved out of regulation and safety/social engagement and into a state of flight. If you see this type of behavior, ask first about their potential body needs: are they hungry or tired (yes, so kids will go into a hyperalert state when tired), are they overstimulated from their day or from sensory input like noise, visual chaos, the emotions of someone else in the family, or demands? Are they feeling anxious about an upcoming transition? When I work with parents in my community, this is the line of questioning we start with, and it is a game-changer. I encourage you to apply these questions to a particular instance that happened recently that left you frustrated or uncertain, such as a difficult and out-of-the-blue “meltdown” or a sudden (or expected) refusal to eat dinner, to leave the house, or to wear a certain pair of shoes.
For more information, watch my video below, and if you need help identifying which state your child is in, try downloading the polyvagal chart to give. you specific identifiers for which state your child may be in.
Watch this on youtube if you prefer to learn by auditory/visual input! :)
As always, thanks for being part of my readers/listeners, and I’d love any feedback you want to give me!